About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
This guy’s writing is fantastic. And also OMG STAR WARS.
Holy shit this is literally all you need to know.
The public gallery broke into a traditional Maori love song after the announcement that the same-sex marriage bill had passed for New Zealand.
Excuse me while I go cry
This was beautiful. Well done New Zealand. Hurry up Australia. It’s getting embarrassing.
Story of my life
I actually think less of someone when they order a decaf coffee.
Rainbow Connection - Darren Criss (PSA Benefit Concert) 2013
My favourite song…..
New Insults by Kait Rokowski - [x]
Kurt is forced to follow a Wedding Dance Class by his fiancé, but ends up being there alone. Enter the helpful – and slightly annoying - dance instructor.
Kurt already hated the joint Wedding Dance Classes he signed up for. He already hated it before the dance instructor showed up and the lesson actually started. Mostly because he was waiting there alone, and everybody else was either discussing cakes, doves or girdles for their very special day, leaving him out completely. Not that he wanted to mingle – it wasn’t like he was there voluntarily. By all means: he instructed his own dad how to dance at his wedding, but unfortunately his husband-to-be wanted something special and classic. So dancing lessons it was.
“Hello everybody,” a man said while entering the studio.
The morning Kurt lets go of a few things he doesn’t need anymore. Though Adam is present, this ficlet is all about Klaine. Inspired by the 30 seconds of local NY news my son let me watch today.
1,000 words, PG-13
Warnings: I seem to have a thing for wise OCs counseling our boys through heavy-handed metaphor. I will probably always have this thing, so proceed with caution. ;)
The last thing Kurt wants to do at 7am on a Monday morning is stand in a crowd of crazed tourists waiting for Al Roker to come out and tell them it will be another cold spring day on the East Coast.
He’d agreed to meet Adam and his sister Lara for an early breakfast before class, but when breakfast turned into hanging out with the sign-toting frenzy of newlyweds, and Jersey moms, and screaming kids on break, he’d begged off and made his way to the ice rink at Rockefeller Center to wait them out. Lara is sweet, like Adam, and she’s only in town until Tuesday night, but the sad fact is they’re just not fascinating enough to stomach the crowds at The Today Show.
He looks out over the rink, watching as a crew chips away at the ice. It seems like forever since he’d taken Blaine and his Dad to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, their hands warmed by decadent hot chocolate from Maison du Chocolat.
He sighs, scrolling back through the photos on his phone, past silly antics with Santana and Rachel and dozens of images documenting his budding relationship with Adam—the snowman they built on top of Adam’s building, Adam stuffing his face with madeleines at Bouchon Bakery, Kurt in a blue apron, covered in flour, the two of them smiling for a stranger who agreed to take their picture on the Promenade—until he finds the picture he most wants to see.
“Addie, dear?” Kurt called from downstairs. “We need to get going, otherwise we’re going to be late for Career Day!”
“I don’t want to!” his ten-year old daughter yelled back, causing him to sigh louder than intended.
“Sweetheart, please? Not today.”
“I’m ready, dad,” his other daughter – Abbie – said, proudly. She stood ready in the doorway, hands in her sides and legs wide to show off her camouflage pants that made Kurt’s heart simply ache. It’s not like he could forbid her to pick her daddy’s career, even though it hurt. It had been six months to the date that he had kissed his husband, Blaine, goodbye before he went on another mission, which was a reason why one of twin-daughters was having one of her moods.